Carly Botanical I

Carly Botanical slid down a silly slide into her bathroom and spoke amazing words into a telephone she found there. “These delectables are enormous,” she said to her friend on the other side. “Death,” said her friend, hovering nearby, “Is my friend now.” “Stay off!” said Carly who had no time for being anyone’s second fiddle.

The wind howled and a moonlit cow stuck its head through the window of the second story bathroom. “How do you dooooo?” the cow said. Carly howled. “This is not your bathroom, cow.” The cow wept large welling teardrops that splatter against the tiled floor. “Waaaah.” Plop. “Wheeehawah.” Plop. “Enough,” said Carly. “Tell me your story.”

“Six weeks ago I was on a cattle car heading up to the international science academy for an award for my years of research into the bottom of buckets filled with corn syrup, when the train stopped and I was led off by people in uniform.”

“Nazi’s!” said Carly.

“They were angry and black and each wore a silver medallion over one eye. Half over the left eye and half over their right.”

“Pirates of the silver coin!”


“What were they doing heisting a train robbery? That’s outside their cannon.”

“They told me. Listen, Carly.” “Okay, I’ll listen.” “The pirates berated me for being a cow. They said, ‘What a cow.’ Called me ‘burger to be’ and slapped my ass with the butts off their peg-legs.”

“Oh no.” “Oh yes. The pirates were cruel and slapped me all the way from the train to their landing strip. There they loaded me into an airplane and flew me to their boat. On the boat they did terrible things, Carly. I can’t tell you anymore about that. I’m not the same cow I used to be.”

“I don’t think we’ve ever met,” said Carly. She was rubbing a bar of soap along one of her long legs, a cleaning behavior she’d seen in a movie. “We haven’t,” said the cow. “You know my name is Carly, though?” “Everyone knows your name. Slut.” Carly slid into the bathwater and down into the drain and further down till she was in the final circle of hell. There, the devil said to her, “You really should take better care of your reputation.” “I don’t wanna!” “Very well,” said the Devil, “But you will end up here with me.” “Does your cock glow red in the dark?”

Carly was back in her bathroom. The Devil was gone. The cow was gone. Even the bathwater was gone. “What was I doing to myself?” she wondered. The bar of soap was nearly used up and the skin on her leg was caked. Stepping out of the bathroom in the nude, Carly approached the kitchen blender and put some minnows from a tin in the refrigerator in with some peanut butter. The sunlight laughed happily, came in through the front door, put it’s hat on the hat stand, and kissed her cheek. “Haha, sunlight,” she said. The sunlight came in hard and fucked her over the sink. She turned on the blender and blended her fish for three minutes.

“Smells like fish,” the sunlight said. Carly laughed. Outside, several pigs were wandering in a line past the window. Wiping the tears from her eyes, Carly worried out loud, “They’re on their way to my flower bulbs.” The pigs paused at her white picket fence. “No no no!,” she thought. The pigs conferred. Then the big brown one pushed wide her gate and sniffed into her yard. “My bulbs!” She thought. The sunlight was still inside of her, and all Carly could do was blend loudly at the pigs. The big pig approached her windowsill and nuzzled it’s snout into the damp earth below the window.

The flower bulbs screamed as they were nestled out of the ground and silenced forever. Carly wept bitterly. She closed her eyes and imaged large flowers. Purple petals and exploding seed pods of enormous girth filled her imagination while sunlight came inside and splashed across her cheeks. Her tits hung out exposed in the window like a French girl, and the neighbor’s husband, walking their dog slowed as he past.

In the house across the way, someone else watched the situation closely. Moldova was an old woman, nearing 70 and she watched what her son in law was doing, while walking his dog, through her oversized sailors bronze telescope. “Dastardly,” she rumbled. The cat on the couch yawned and looked at the woman, who’s oversized buttocks wobbled back and forth as she bent forward to look into the telescope.

“This is much too much for your delicate eyes to witness,” Moldova scolded to her cat. Usually she shared her sight seeing with the animal. “Not today. Let’s turn to the chalkboard.” The woman swayed over to the other side of the sitting room and turned the cat’s attention to the board for a presentation.

“Here,” she slapped the chalk down and sketched out a diagram. “My son in law, first of all here is represented by this apple because he’s a fruit. This here, this snake is the French girl who he lusts after. This is my daughter, the perfect flower. Here’s you, my little lion.” The cat yawned.

“This is where we hire the Absurd Man. These youth need their foolish lives pumped with chaos. The Absurd Man is an old friend of mine. Used to be more than friends. He and I were lovers all over the place. In Paris. In the red arm chair. In the McDonalds bathroom over the sink. He was a fine mustachioed man. He must be called. He’ll put a start to some nonsense or another. That’ll keep this orderly romantic affair from normalizing. Besides, who knows what else might happen when the Absurd Man comes to town.” The sixty-eight year old mother of two laughed.


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